A lot of people (especially) women get labelled as “needy” at some point or another. It can come from a friend, family member but most often a partner. I know I’ve been described as “needy” and questioned myself many times but recently, everything became clearer.
What does “needy” mean?
Needy often refers to a person requiring too much attention from others. Needy can mean constantly seeking approval or validation from others, wanting to be around a particular person a lot or even just asking a lot of questions. Those qualities may seem annoying to some people but actually, there’s usually a valid reason for behaving that way.
Seeking Approval
Seeking approval usually comes from a lack of self-confidence. When we are unsure of ourselves, we are then immeditley unsure if our behaviour or decisions leading us to seek approval from others. Think of a new person on a job. They will, for a period of time, continually seek approval from their superiors. After some time, they will be confident in what they do and no longer need that approval. Without that confidence, the approval is always needed.
In our real lives, if we did not have a solid start, we can lack confidence in ourselves. If our parents didn’t encourage us, we may always look for that approval from others. In relationships, we may look for constant approval to avoid arguments.
Asking Questions
I’m sure at some point you’ve heard the phrase “curiosity killed the cat” and to some extent it’s wise to not be too curious. However, looking for answers isn’t a bad thing. Wanting to understand is not a bad thing. But a lot of people don‘t look too fondly on those who ask a lot of questions.
Asking a lot of questions in order to understand something is an admirable quality. It’s not being needy. The only kind of questions that are actually inappropriate are the ones that aim to pry into people’s private lives. Whatever involves you, is fair game.
People dislike being asked questions for a multitude of reasons but the most common one in my experience, is that it can expose peoples true motives behind something said or something done.
One of my favourite phrases is “the truth always makes sense”. Everything you need to know, can be understood. If someone is lying or you’re missing information, then the subject matter won’t make sense which is why we ask questions; to fill in those gaps.
Wanting to be around someone
This is often a common “needy” complaint in relationships. Wanting to be around your partner a lot of the time can be seen as a bad thing. Sometimes it applies in friendships too. If you gravitate to wanting to be around a particular person more than others, it can be viewed as something negative.
Here’s the thing, certain people click and enjoying time together is a fantastic thing. You almost act as fuel for each other and your life is better around that person. Society can say that’s a bad thing because it can lead to being dependant on a person but wanting to be around someone isn’t a bad thing. The only thing to be clear is if they feel the same way.
If you feel you want to be around a person more than you are, then you need to check in with yourself “why?”. If it comes across as needy to the person you are trying to be around, then there is a good chance you are craving something from them that they are not providing. For example, if your partner calls you needy for wanting to spend more time together, have a look at what time you are actually spending together. Perhaps they are on their phone rather than focused on you or what you’re both doing. Maybe they don’t make time for dates and keep postponing them. Your feelings are valid, but it’s understanding them that’s the key to breaking free.
If someone is calling you needy, don‘t take it as a negative. It means that you want more from your relationships. Perhaps it is a toxic person that’s calling you needy; in which case, it’s a good idea to cut them out of your life. Understand what you want from your relationships and make it clear to the people in your life. More often than not, we are craving honesty, compassion and care. When those things are met, we don’t behave in a “needy” way.